99 Ways to Kill Hermione Granger
by kasey07
Summary: The title explains itself. If you are a Hermione fan and is easily insulted by any negative comments about her THEN DON'T READ THIS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!


**Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Anything else that you recognize (e.g. The Wizard of Oz, The Ring, etc) doesn't belong to me.**

**A/N: **The title explains itself. If you are a Hermione fan and is easily insulted by any negative comments about her, **THEN DON'T READ AND DON'T FLAME!**

Inspired by Killing Sara Siddle by Thena and Blue

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1)She is paired with Neville during Potions. He accidentally adds in something he shouldn't have, and his cauldron explodes, killing her because she was sitting next to him.

2)Someone sends her a curse in an envelope which causes her to get really bad hemorrhoids on her face. Harry and Ron throw darts at her face to see how many they can pop.

3)Ron and Harry feed her to Fluffy.

4)While watching a Quidditch match, a bludger flies into her face.

5)Ginny is jealous that she steals the spotlight in the books and the movies, so she pushes her down a flight of stairs.

6)She casts an invisibility spell on herself and goes down to see Hagrid. He doesn't see her so he sits on her; squishing her.

7)She's crying in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, Myrtle becomes so annoyed that she drowns her in a toilet.

8)While potting full grown Mandrakes in Herbology, the cry of the roots kills her because she didn't have her earmuffs on properly.

9)Romilda Vane slips her chocolate cauldrons spiked with poison.

10) While on one of the carts in Gringotts, Harry and Ron wonder how deep the vaults go so they push her out of the cart.

11) She transfigures herself into a bug and accidentally gets stepped on.

12) One day she wakes up to find out she has an anaphylactic (extremely severe allergy) reaction to cat hair. Crookshanks is sleeping near her head.

13) Fred and George slip her nosebleed nougat which she mistakenly takes for candy. She eats it and has a massive nosebleed till the point she's all shriveled up.

14) Snape asks a bunch of really hard questions to the class one day. Being a know-it-all, she puts up her hand but he ignores it. She continues to stretch her arm higher with each question he asks until her face turns red and she explodes. Snape is so happy that she's finally dead, that he gives everyone a good grade for the entire year, even Neville.

15) They lock her and Lupin in the same room during full moon.

16)While doing homework by the lake, the giant squid jumps out, sees her and gobbles her up.

17) The Gryffindor team impales her with the sharpened end of a broomstick.

18) She sees Ron making out with Lavender again, she hyperventilates and dies.

19) When going up to the owlery to send a letter, the owls mistaken her bushy hair for a nest. When they finally realize that it's actually her hair, they become angry and scratch her eyes out.

20) The dueling club is started up again and she is paired with Draco. He uses Avada Kedavra to see if she will get a nice scar like Harry's. She doesn't.

21) She gets pushed into the vanishing cabinet and reappears in the Himalayan Mountains.

22) Trelawney predicts Hermione's death, when she doesn't believe it; the professor heaves the crystal ball at her head. The velocity combined with weight impact kills her.

23) Ron and Harry push her off the astronomy tower to see if she will bounce. She doesn't.

24) The basilisk is brought back to life and released in the school. Surprisingly, only one mudblood is killed.

25) When visiting Grawp, he picks her up and squeezes too hard.

26) Harry and Sirius try feeding her to Buckbeak who really can't stand the taste, so he takes to tearing her up into shreds for his own amusement.

27) All the teachers place a bet on how long the bush posing as her hair would burn. Snape wins.

28) Harry and Ron send her to Aragog's spider lair.

29) Voldie captures the trio and she won't shut up about how Voldie should become good instead of evil. Harry and Ron get so annoyed that they strangle her, Voldie and the Death Eaters are so relieved that they let them both go.

30) The monster book eats her face when she tries to read it.

31) Her brain can no longer hold anymore information so her head explodes.

32) The Ford Angelia comes up from the Forbidden Forest and runs her over.

33) Peeves drops a chandelier on her as she's walking by.

34) She wakes up next to Snape one morning. The sight of his naked body kills her.

35) Someone sends her Devil's Snare and it strangles her while she sleeps.

36) Draco sends her the cursed opal necklace; she tries to put it on.

37) Ron stabs her with his quill when she refuses to help him with his homework.

38) She is used as a sacrifice for a ceremony.

39) They lock her in a broom closet and she starves to death.

40) She ran with scissors and tripped.

41) Professor Binns finally bores her to death in History of Magic one day.

42) The quaffle mysteriously disappears and the human head is about the same size. So they cut off her head and use it during practice.

43) Ron takes her flying on his broom and "accidentally" drops her over the whomping willow.

44) While riding on the Knight Bus, they crash. Everyone survives, except for her.

45) She failed an exam _–GASP- _so she falls over in her seat; dead from the shock.

46) Lavender doesn't like to share Won-Won, so she suffocates her with a pillow.

47) An exceptionally heavy bookshelf in the library is tipped over and she is caught underneath it.

48) They put biting doxies in her bed and hide the antidote.

49) She looks in the mirror one day realizes that she's Sasquatch (also known as Bigfoot) and falls over dead from shock.

50) For absolutely no reason at all, her internal organs stop working.

51) During the second challenge at the Triwizard Tournament, nobody saves her from the merpeople. They all "forget" and leave her down there.

52) Harry wonders how fast human flesh can burn. Only one way to find out.

53) Someone randomly stabs her in a crowded corridor. Since no one saw who it was that killed her, the teachers don't look in to it too much nor do they care.

54) Owls dive bomb her until she dies.

55) Filch locks her out of the castle one night in December. The temperature drops well below freezing and they find her frozen corpse the next day.

56) She watches a strange videotape that she finds and seven days later, she dies.

57) Arthur Weasley was cleaning his muggle gun, when it "accidentally" goes off, killing her because she was with him at the time.

58) Captured and taken away by space aliens

59) During a dementor attack, they mistaken her for an escaped criminal so they suck her soul out.

60) Molly Weasley poisons the cookies that she sends her, Harry and Ron's are perfectly normal.

61) She eats hundreds of tubs of ice-cream, gains five-hundred pounds and is unable to move. She dies when no one would come feed her.

62) Ravenclaws are sick of her being such a know-it-all (looks bad for their house after all) so they gang beat her to death.

63) The Weasley's take her on another vacation to Egypt. Fred and George lock her in one of the pyramids.

64) Harry orders Kreacher to kill her. Kreacher has no choice but to obey.

65) The Gryffindors play a game of truth or dare. Someone gets dared to kill the mudblood and they succeed.

66) While facing a boggart, she sees her worst fear and dies from terror.

67) Ron tells her to get real and then leaves her. She dies from a broken heart.

68) Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle tie her up and leave her in the middle of the train tracks. The Hogwarts Express doesn't see her.

69) Flying monkeys take her and Toto to their monkey babies, where they tear her apart and eat her.

70) Colin takes a picture of her, but the flash is so bright that it burns her eyes and all the way up to her brain.

71) At Grimmauld Place, Mrs. Black's shrieking goes so high pitched that her eardrums pop.

72) Harry and Ron force feed her polyjuice potion which morphs her into Voldie. The teaching staff all mistake her for the real Voldie and kill her.

73) Dumbledore is having groovy day so he decides to cancel all final tests. She somehow convinces him to un-cancel the tests and the rest of the student population is so angry, they gang beat her in the Great Hall.

74) She gets on a broomstick, flies up really really really high and falls off.

75) House-elves are so fed up with her trying to leave them clothes that they stab her with her own knitting needles.

76) Fred transfigures her into a spider and puts her on Ron's pillow. Ron freaks out and gets Harry to kill the icky spider.

77) The troll from book one comes back and bashes her with his club.

78) She tries to straighten her hair and beautify herself with magic; unfortunately she used the wrong spells.

79) Muggles catch her and burn her at the stake for being a witch.

80) Her bushy hair grows so thick that is covers her face and suffocates her while she sleeps.

81) They burn down her house with her in it.

82) A new law is passed by the Ministry: Anyone name Hermione Granger will be executed.

83)One of Luna's Crumple-Horned Snorkacks kill her.

84) She gets a paper cut. Across the wrist!

85) Fred and George feed her a Fainting Fancy; she never comes out of her faint.

86) The Venomous Tentacula get her during Herbology.

87) Her and Lavender fight over Ron. Lavender fights dirty.

88) When trying to run through the barrier at King's Cross, it seals up and she cracks her head on impact.

89) Harry and Ron send her to Voldie as a peace offering. She won't shut up so Voldie kill her.

90) Someone sends her one of those cursed books where you literally can't put them down. Unable to free her hands, she starves to death.

91) While at a Weird Sisters concert, the lead singer throws the microphone into the crowd. It hits her head, knocks her out and she gets trampled on by the crowds.

92) They lock her in a cage with a dragon.

93) Ron and Harry charm her scarf into strangling her.

94) They tie a thousand helium balloons to her and watch her float away.

95) It starts to rain while she's outside so she seeks shelter under the whomping willow. She get's electrocuted.

96) Draco hasn't forgotten about the time she punched him in their third year. He returns the favor and the blunt force to her head kills her.

97) They shove some Dr. Filibuster's Fabulous Wet-Start No-Heat Fireworks up her arse and watch them go off.

98) Jo Rowling kills her off just because she's the freaking author and can do anything she wants.

99 ) Harry Potter fan girls and Hermione haters chase her down and beat her to death.


End file.
